Something to Read.

As you sat around the fire she seduced you so sweetly. I could tell, because I wasn't interested in the others. The stars had already seduced me and I lay on my back aghast of the splendorous spiders web above me. I could see Sirius and I remembered that it was a star of three parts. For some reason this made me think of the life I had led so far. Tonight I found completeness. As the warm breeze blew up the beach, and the hairs stood up on the back of my neck, I felt as though the whole sphere of existence was here. This was part of a dream. This was where I was the last time I died. For a second I remembered something. But alas my soul was keeping it's secrets. I had turned several times towards you. This was partly due to me wanting to prevent the sand from blowing up my nose but I also wanted to see if I could mirror the heavens in your face. Your face gave no such majestic reflection however. Your awe was focused on the words of the girl. I had found this strange because in the ten years I had known you I had never seen you take to a girl of such an average appearance. Still the girl had something compelling about her. Something I hadn't seen since...well, it's hard to remember but Bob told me I had been with such a woman several lifetimes ago. Bob always was prone to romanticising. I turned again expecting to catch a word or gesture that might let me understand the spell you were under, but this time I was unable to stay out of the equation. The girl unplugged her eyes from yours and stared into the fire. All of a sudden I was aware that she new I was listening, even though she made no eye contact with me. You glanced in my direction to acknowledge the shift in momentum. A pendulum had stopped. You were not pleased, and I didn't blame you. She was mesmerising.

When the morning came I awoke with a start. The tent was like a sauna. I crawled out to lay under the tarp only to find it gone. I stood up briefly, walked two paces and then deposited my sweaty body under the nearest tree. Although aware that my head was in the remains of last nights fire my brain once again began to descend into the well. The walls were closing in and I was praying to go deeper. Where was that place I felt so safe just minutes ago? If only my very soul could descend into oblivion, she would be there. The waves are only moving under the surface. Then I remembered. I had been dreaming of someone. Oh God! But it was too late. Where your tent had been was only emptiness. I asked the others if they had seen you. Did you leave early to make low tide? Had you left with the girl? I didn' t even hear their response. There was little point as I already knew it word for word. Not again, oh Lord please not again. No-one warned me it was coming. Lord, I forgot. Please don' t let this be it.

It took me two days to fully accept that you were gone. Please don't take this personally but I couldn't really care less that you had been erased from existence. Well alright, after ten years I would be lying if I said there wasn't a shift in my weekly social routine. The guy who "replaced" you at work doesn't like drinking at Isabella's so I tend not to go out as much, which is good because I'm barely in the mood anyway. Jealously is my companion now. It runs through my veins. It whispers to me "you deserved it, you earned it". But still the questions. How did you know? It wasn't your place to know. It wasn't your place to make the decision. I still see Bob every Tuesday. He talks me through his charts predicting the chances of a second meeting but I can see he is clutching at straws. And each time I regress to the events that night a small piece of my soul sublimes. I now know I have to face forty or fifty more years until I next pass beyond the vale. And who's to say I will get another chance. Maybe I wont meet up with someone like Bob next time. I may be totally ignorant. Perhaps that will be for the best. Bob can see that I'm lost but he does his best to make me feel positive. The fool. He will never know.

At the point where a quantum moment splits your universe from mine, you exist. You've discovered Vulcan. You've walked the clouds of Machu Picchu. You found life on Mars and strolled through Cyadonia. You've sailed off the edge of the world and returned alive to tell your Queen of the wonders of Atlas. You invented Cultivar and many related spices. You've walked with Pharaoh and discussed the design of the Giza plateau. You were Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln. You were Custer and you gave Sitting Bull one hell of a kicking. You trod the path of stars and the lesser gods worshipped you. You were omnipresent but singular. James Cook and Fletcher Christian. Darwin on Galapagos. Vlad the Impaler the day Stoker breathed life into his rotten corpse. Oh the joy! From Babylon to Cuzco you move with her, the seductress, never knowing your former life. Until one day you catch a glimpse of it as the heavens unfold before you. A ripple of thought, a moment of understanding, a transient feeling which evaporates from memory as quickly as it came. The waves are only moving under the surface.

Julian Shaw October 1998

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