Traits include: Hunter-gatherer (mainly CDs); eats vegetable biryani, spam fritters, satsumas, cheese pies and breakfast cereals; drinks ridiculously potent Belgian beers, Guiness, Lucozade, rum, coffee.... and even more coffee; laughs insanely at Chorlton and the Wheelies, Father Ted and Monty Python; snarls savagely at people who like President Bush; is often found on terraces where he shouts and gesticulates wildly at his team and the referee; supports Lincoln and Scotland, consequently he has absolutely no grasp of the concept of hope. How to trap one: Use a TV showing a football match: he will sit quietly for 45 minutes then become restless in the search for refreshments; will not go far before returning calmly for the second half. Use this time well. What to do if you trap one: Have at hand a big cage and shackles (not absolutely necessary but he likes that sort of thing anyway); play Radiohead and he will start moaning incessantly about the state of the known universe; use several bottles of Chimay to induce large quantities of pretentious claptrap [this also has the side-effect of intensifying the desire for curry]; feed the caffeine addiction to calm him down; play Sigur Rós to calm him further and then he will start considering the state of the unknown universe.
Traits include: a unbelievable obsession with monkeys, a love of hair and the many forms of hair, a four week beard growth cycle that includes a full growth for three weeks and then a goatee for one week, the inability to whistle, an infatuation with vegetarian food of all types but especially any covered in a thick spicy sauce of indian origin. How to trap one: It is suggested that you use the skills of lust, insecurity and escapism. How you use them is your problem (hint: this animal is easily trapped without even realising it himself) What to do if you trap one: start off by pouring bottle of Lucozade into a big bowl in the centre of the room. He will inevitably drink all of it in a very short space of time. At the same time slip on the loudest Midnight Oil CD. Stand back and observe as the subject jumps around the room like a primate grunting "Concrete you don't free my soul". Now really get to work by expressing your love love for Tory leadership. Watch as this species of animal bangs his head against the wall in a way that shows emotions that are almost human. It is now time to calm down the animal. Vodka will get him talking. Make sure you mix with something appropriate (for example Lucozade) and let the discussion turn to conceptual rock, the nature of reality or anything other than Robbie Williams. Now let the animal sleep. It should be perfectly safe - this particular animal has been known to sleep for a week at a time.